– If you like guys that’ll
call their entourage to come and get–
– (laughs) Miami… – Miami is the place for you.
– …is the place to be. – Oh, can you sign on
to Raya in Miami? – Um, well, Raya is global. Like, I’m matching
with guys in Sweden. – (laughs)
– So it doesn’t even know where you are,
it just like– you can be– it just sends you
guys from all over the world because there’s so few
and it’s so selective. – You know what’s interesting
about Miami is it’s– it’s– you know
how in Hollywood, success is the ultimate mark,
you know? – Yeah.
– In Miami, it’s physical beauty. – I know, that’s why
I’m not looking forward to– – Hot buns.
– Everyone’s so hot. But not even like, how–
actually, you’ll love it ’cause it’s like, hot
in a like, thick meat way. Like– like, it’s not hot
like I would– – Do you like oiled muscles?
– Yeah, everybody’s like– – (Nikki) No.
– Like, perfectly abbed– – Okay, I do like that.
– You know, like, thick boys– – But I’m not– and that’s
why I don’t like that. I don’t wanna be–
I can’t– – Oh, you think
that likes each other? – Oh yeah.
– You wanna look over and have somebody go,
“You know, I don’t usually get with girls like you,
but you’re different.” (all laughing) ♪♪ – Do you know Lisa Traeger?
– Yes. – She has a new joke about
how, um, she predicts that piss play is gonna be
the next like, forefront of, like– that it’s–
– Human sexuality? – That’s gonna be the next
like, normal thing. Eating ass was last year
where, like, everyone’s eating ass now
when that used to be so taboo. – I’m an eating ass
or– pioneer. – That’s Moshe Kasher, everyone,
the eating ass pioneer. – Since the ’90s, folks. – Has anyone at this table
been pissed on? – Uh, I’ve… done the other way around? – You pissed on someone?
– Yeah, one time. – I think I have too.
– Oh, really? – Yeah.
– Okay, Natasha Leggero and Moshe Kasher,
a married couple, new co-hosts of the podcast,
“Endless Honeymoon” podcast. – And piss freaks, straight up.
– And piss freaks. But you’ve– you’ve pissed
on someone, Natasha? – Yes.
– (Nikki) Yes. – And I think maybe
let him piss on me? But I did not like that part.
– What’re y– that’s no– that’s a– that’s a lie.
– It was in the shower. – “Well, I think it’s possible,
I might have a memory of h–” – Well, in the shower,
it’s more like a prank– – No, but it was like,
let’s do this. But let’s do it in the shower
in case we hate it. – No, a prank would be–
– That’s a good point. – A prank would be in bed
and I was sleeping. – Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
– That’s more of a prank. – So did someone want you
to piss on them? – Well, I had a– a person where we were
kinda into freaky stuff and we like, decided
to try that. And it was pretty hardcore.
I mean, it wasn’t just like– – There was a lotta stuff.
– It wasn’t just like, a spray. It was like, a– it was–
it was more of a gulp. And, uh…
– (all laughing) – Wait, were there
mouths involved? – Y– well, yeah, hers.
– Oh my God. – Oh, you peed in her mouth?
– Yeah. – Wow, we’re learning
so much about each other. And you guys are married. What does this do for you
as– as his wife? You don’t care about his past?
– No, she’s– she’s horny as hell
right now. – My little brother peed
in my mouth when I was little. – Oof.
– So I was like, “I’m gonna tell Mo–”
and then I just felt like, this whiz of piss in my mouth.
– Oh no! – That is so weird, actually,
’cause the person I’m talking about
is your little brother. – I’m just saying, I find it–
I find it all kind of gross. – Yeah, no, it was gr–
it was interesting ’cause I-I’ve done a lot
of strange sexual things and that was one where both
the person I was with and me, we both looked at each other
at the end and we’re like, uh, yeah, I don’t think– yeah,
that was a little too much. – That was good.
– Yeah, I’m not gonna try th– – We don’t need to do that.
– I found it strangely intimate. – Oh, did you?
With your brother? – No!
– The shower incident. – The shower incident.
– Did you find it romantic? – No, not romantic,
just intimate. – (laughing) Romantic.
– Like all of a sudden, you’re so close to someone
you’re like, I pissed on you. – Yeah, but…
– That’s like, so female, though, like, “Oh,
it brought us closer.” – I know, intimacy.
– Girls… – We’ll take anything
we can get. – “I really like him,
I think he’s special. I think he likes me too.
I can still taste him.” – Maybe he’s the one.
– Oh my God. I, um, I squirted
for the first time, like, a lot last weekend.
– Oh yeah, yeah. Like, a lot, a lot, a lot.
– Oh yeah, yeah. – Wait, you said squirted? – Yeah, and I thought
it was pee. I was like, it was so much
that I was like, this has gotta be pee. And so I instantly like,
scooped it up to be like… (sniffing)
Like, to smell it, to be like, “Is it? Is it?”
And it was not. And it didn’t– my pee
is always yellow ’cause I take
too many vitamins, and it was not yellow.
– I would love to have been in that man’s brain.
He’s just like– – I was by myself.
– Ohh, I see wha– – I was gonna say,
when in the duration does it happen during sex? You’re saying that
just happens… – I-I didn’t plan for it.
I didn’t– usually, I’ve like,
tried to s– like, ex-boyfriends and I
have been like, let’s try to do this,
and it just like, can’t– – Let’s try to make you squirt?
– Yeah, it’s cool. – I had this image in my mind,
though, of you like, with a partner,
and then you squirt and he’s like, “Oh my God,
that’s so hot.” And you’re like, “Hold on.”
(sniffing) – (Nikki laughing)
– “Is it pee? Is it pee?” – I needed to know.
It felt like it. – There’s a big
scientific debate about… – Right.
– …whether or not it is pee. And a lot of– I think that
it’s actually kind of unclear. The science is unclear th–
it might be pee. – I-I– it definitely is
what pee becomes. – (laughing)
– Like, it’s– it’s in the process of pee. But it was not yellow
and it did not smell like urine. – You mean it’s under
the umbrella of pee. – Yeah, it’s like
what pee will– like, pee becomes–
it is before pee. – What pee will be.
– It didn’t get processed. – Wait, hold on–
– This is like a Christmas story,
it’s beautiful. – (laughing) “What pee will be.”
– Is it connected… is it connected
to orgasms? – Yeah, dude. And I didn’t–
– Oh, so you’re saying you were masturbating
and that happened. – Yes, so what happened was– and like I said,
I’ve made an effort to squirt before
’cause I’m like, I just wanna be able to say
I’ve done it. And I thought
I’ve done it before, but I really think
I may have just like,
peed in those moments. Or sometimes you just li–
– Oh, so you really made an effort,
you were just like… (grunts)
“Oh, it worked!” – Well, because all
of the instructions to squirt say you’re gonna feel like
you have to pee, and then just let it go.
And I’m like… – Wait, you can like train–
– You mean like peeing? – Pee. Go pee-pee.
– What I do on the toilet? I feel I have to pee,
and then I let it go. – You can train yourself
to do this? – Yes, dude!
– Are you sure, or are you just–
you’re just kinda like– – Everyone can do it, Natasha.
– No way. – Yes, we can all–
you can do anything. – You just wanna
feel like a man and spray your load all over someone.
– I mean, kind of. It is super, like–
I felt more empowered than I’ve ever felt sexually.
– (laughing) – That was seriously
what happened was, um, I just– I had a sesh,
and it was fine, and I had a couple orgasms
that were good. But I was just like…
I had time to kill and I was like,
I’ll just go for one more. And there was like,
this new series on Kink.com,
which I pay for, that like, I was really into. – Whoa, you pay for porn?
– Yeah. – That’s the most shocking thing
I’ve heard this morning. – Really?
– Yeah, that’s way– that’s way freakier than
I pissed in someone’s mouth. – Also– also
she said “series”. – I know, I know.
– (laughing) – There’s a– there’s a series.
– What is it? – It’s called
“School of Submission”. – Okay, sure.
– And, um, this girl is jus– Natasha, this girl
named Kristen Scott, she’s amazing, she goes
to this school to like, learn how to be
a good whore. And, um, and s–
th– there was– episode three and four
dropped on this Saturday in Vegas and I was like,
oh my God. And I’d been waiting… episode one and two were like, my favorite things
that I’ve ever found. And then I’ve been
waiting f– for three, and then three and four dropped
on the same day. And so I was like,
oh my gosh, I’m so excited– – How long is each episode? – They’re like an hour–
– (Moshe) An hour? – You…
– Oh, I don’t watch– No, no, no, I just skip
to the parts I like. So it takes me
about ten minutes. – Wait, do you wanna kn–
not to interrupt your story, but this is as an aside.
– No, please. – How I used t– this is how
I used to watch porn when I first hit puberty. I would r– this was before
the internet was really kicking. And I would rent,
um, porn videos from the video story
on my street. They would rent them to me
for some reason. But we were pretty broke
and we had this old VCR, and it didn’t have a remote. And so I would watch porn
with a broom… – (laughing)
– …fast-forwarding to the parts I liked
by pushing the broom on the fast-forward button
on the VCR. And I would be on the bed
and be poking the fast-forward button
with the broom. – I watched mine with a mop.
– Oh, you need to, that’s right. (Nikki)
Yeah, yeah, yeah. There’s just something about
this series that really gets me. And, um, and so
I went back in, and then it just
started happening. And it was so much,
I couldn’t believe it. It was just– it like,
ran down the bed, into my back, I had to change
my shirt afterwards. It was a huge–
I was like, so excited. – But it sounds like
it’s random. It wasn’t like you
purposely did something. – No, I didn’t purposely do it.
It was just– I think what it has to be is like,
your third or fourth orgasm. Like, you have to like…
– Ohh… – …push through to a point
where it’s like, your– your body like,
can’t hold pee back anymore. – Some people just do it.
– (Nikki) Oh, I know. – That’s their natural–
their go-to. It’s their firs–
their first squirt. – That would be awful
to do that every time. – Yeah, pretty rough.
– Actually, maybe it’s a porn search, uh, word.
– Oh, it is. – Oh, people love squirting.
– It 100% is. – Oh yeah.
– Definitely. – I like it in porn because I know she’s having
a real orgasm. – Right.
– You know, sometimes they like, probably do a syringe
and just have her squirt out some water
or something? But I think most of the time,
if she’s squirting, that’s like,
a sign that it’s real. – I have solid squirts.
Do you know what that is? – (Nikki) Mm-mmm.
– It’s male squirting. So it’s just like,
at the height of orgasm, I just shit all over the bed.
– (laughing) – That’s how you know
it’s real. – Thankfully our nanny
cleans it up. – I call her immediately.
It’s like your producer, I text the nanny.
“Nanny!” – You’re scooping it up
like, “Is it? Is it really?” – “Is it shit?”
– Oh, it is, it is. (all laughing) I’m so excited
to have Moshe Kasher and Natasha Leggero here,
because I told them yesterday, um, I went on
a date last night. And you guys have
a new podcast out where you give
relationship advice. – We are experts, so tell us
about your date. – Okay, so…
– (Moshe) Oh yeah. – Oh God, okay, so… – How does somebody get
a date with you? – Raya.
– Oh, Raya, okay, sure. – Um, and– I mean,
calling it a date is, um– and by the way,
let me just say, I would not be talking
about this date– if anyone is interested
in dating me and they’re like, “Wow, she’s gonna trash me
the next day on the radio–” I-I would not have even
mentioned this date except that it was just great,
I would’ve given no details had this been someone I would
want to see in the future. – Okay.
– I have boundaries. – Oh, so you’re saying
if someone’s out there listening right now
and is like, “I don’t wanna ask her out
because she might talk about–” – Yeah.
– Don’t worry, as long as I want you to date you again,
I won’t trash you. – As long as yo– yes.
– You step up to the plate and you do it right–
– Even if I do– espe– if I don’t
wanna date you and you’re just a nice guy,
but I’m just like, nah, then I won’t trash you either. If you’re– but, if you
do something like this guy did, ya gonna get trashed.
– “Ya gonna get trashed.” – Did he know
you were a comedian? – Yes, but like, did I know
that he knew that? No, because he didn’t ask me
anything about mys– you know? Like, I look back on it
and I’m like… – “You’re on– you’re on
‘You Up with Nikki Glaser’. “Here’s a segment
we like to call Ya Gonna Get Trashed”.
– (all laughing) – That should be
a segment on this show. – Was he carrying a fedora and carrying a surfboard
in his picture? ‘Cause every boy on Raya
seems to be doing that. – (Nikki) Yeah.
– How do you know? – ‘Cause I look at it
with my friends. – Wh– oh, with your friends? – Yeah. I call Raya
“DJ’s jumping off of the odds.”
– (all laughing) – Sometimes they’re
photographers and they’ll have like, Bella Hadid
on their shoulders ’cause they did
one shoot with her and they’re like,
“We gotta get this.” And I’m like, I’m not ever
gonna go out with you. – There’s no way more
than one person had Bella Hadid
on their shoulder– – There’s always some supermodel
that they’ve posed with at a photoshoot just to be like,
“I’m friends with her.” So I decided to, um, change
my age range on these apps. I go, you know what?
I’ve always said my age and higher
because I’m like, anyone– any guy younger
than me is gonna be so much more immature because
men mature slower than us. And I just was like,
I never even considered of dating someone even
a couple years younger than me. But then I’ve been like,
meeting younger guys and I’m like,
“Oh, they’re all like, really respectful
and sweet.” And why can’t I pull
a Kate Beckinsale and go and dip
a little bit lower? So I changed
my age range to 25– – Oh my God.
– Dude, I know. Um– – The what you were looking for,
you’re saying? – Yeah. No, no, sorry.
I didn’t change my age to 25– – You said you’re down
for 25 up to– – I’m 35, very clear,
on the app it says my age. Went from 25 to, I think,
47 or something. – That’s a pretty large spread.
– That’s a big spread. – You could have such
different dates each night. – Totally.
– Dude, and I’m not attracted to anyone that’s like,
up in their like, higher 40s. – Oh, so you’re actually
more attracted to 25 year olds
than 47 year olds? – I mean, yeah.
– Oh, got it. – Because they just–
– It’s atypical for a student at
the school of submission. I just will put that out there.
– I know. Generally– – You might tend to want
a more salt and pepper daddy. But yeah.
– (Nikki laughing) – So 25, that’s not so bad.
– 25. No, not so bad. I’m willing to go younger
but, you know– – Would you fuck an 18 year old? – Um, yeah, I mean,
it’s legal. – See, unlike you,
I don’t think I can have sex
with an 18 year old. Or a 2– maybe a 25 year old if he was really smart
and creative. – I mean, I’m not
having sex with anyone. I haven’t had sex
with someone– I’ve only been sleeping
with the same person for seven years.
– Oh, really? – One person.
So I talk a big game, but I don’t get around. I guess he Googled me
or saw on Twitter, he’s like, “You’re in LA?” And I’m like, oh yeah,
I’m here till Tuesday. And this is Sunday,
and he goes, “Wanna hang out tomorrow?”
And I was like, sure. And he lives right next
to the hotel I’m staying at. And I, uh, I had a long day
yesterday, I was done at 5:00. He was like,
“I have a thing at 9:00, so let’s hang out early.” So I get done
with my thing at 5:00, I go bac– I text him after
I’m done with my meeting, he’s like, um, “Let me know
when you get back to your hotel and– and let’s hang out.”
And so I let him know, and I’m like,
should I just walk over? ‘Cause he literally lives
a block away from my hotel. And he goes,
“No, it’s like a steep hill, I’ll call you an Uber.”
And I’m like, hello. – Yeah, you liked that?
Gentleman. – I loved it.
It didn’t even occur to me that anyone would ever
do that for me. – I never would.
– (Nikki) Right. – Not for you,
just in general, I would never think to do that.
– Yeah! So I was like, swoon! Like, this is already off
to a good start. So he calls me an Uber,
I get in it, we go up the hill
and, um, I walk in. And, um, he answers the door. There’s no hug,
it’s a little awkward. He seems very nervous,
which calms me down. Oh, we have a plan
to smoke weed. – I see.
– I haven’t smoked weed in a– – Oh, so you guys–
this is a booty call. – It’s at like, 6:30 though.
– Oh, do you think so? – 100%.
– Really? – Yeah, 100%.
– (Natasha laughing) – I mean, if it’s not
a booty call, you say let’s go get dinner
or get a cup of coffee. – Well, he wanted
to get a drink and I go, I don’t drink but I’ll go
get a drink with you, I prefer to smoke weed.
And he was like, “I love smoking weed,
you wanna come over and smoke weed?”
I was like, yes! – Booty call, 100%.
– Really? – Guaran– yes.
– Ohh! – So now you feel bad?
– I mean, I guess. – Uh-oh, did I ruin
the story? Keep talking. – I’m still a fun hang, you should still
wanna date me. – Well, he heard
that you were the squirt queen
of northern Nevada. – I mean, I’m sure if he saw
any of my material, he was like “yeah, thi–”
– Literally the material. From the hotel
you were staying at. – If he saw the picture
I took and posted. – Well, you’re hanging it from
a clothesline, right? – “She ready.” So… – “She post ready.
She was ready, she done.” – “She done.” Um, so I get in there, we–
– Is it like, a nice house? Does i– is he like–
– Yeah. It’s a really nice house,
he owns it. – He’s like, an actor?
– He’s a producer. – He looks like a beefcake. He is a beefcake,
I’ll give you that. – What does he produ–
I guess you can’t say. – Movies.
– He’s a movie producer? – He’s successful.
He’s very successful. – I mean, in this picture,
he does look like– like a young Zac Efron.
– He looks like a Disney star. Like, in that pic–
– (Moshe) Sure, he does. – He’s at a step and repeat
at like, a Disney event. – He’s beefy.
– Yes. I walk in, I’m like,
how long have you lived here? He’s like, “I bought it
four years ago.” I’m like, you own this place? Really nice place
in the Hills. And it’s like, stark.
I mean, it looks– And I go, why does it look
like no one lives here? And he’s like, “oh, you know,
I’m showing it. I’m thi– someone
might buy it, whatever.” And he was like,
“And I cleaned up for you and I think I went
a little bit overboard.” Like he hid too many
like, things. So it just looked like
a serial killer kind of situation.
– (Moshe) Right. There’s plastic sheeting
hanging from the wall. – Yeah, I mean, pr–
there was nothing about it that looked like
anyone lived there. He, um, he had ordered weed in like, this big case. Like, he had gotten
way too much in like, a… um… you know, he had
the Seamless of weed show up. He was like, “I don’t know
what you wanted, so I just got a bunch.” And I was like,
oh, I need like, one hit of something
and I’ll be good to go, but this is nice of you
to do all this. So then we go outside
to his, um, patio– to his like, pool area,
and I have like, one hit. He smokes five joints.
– (all laughing) – I’m not joking, you guys.
– (Natasha) Wait. – Five.
– Five whole joints? – Five! And I go, I can’t
believe how much you’re smoking. He’s like, “I just don’t–
I don’t get high. “I don’t have a– like,
it doesn’t affect me. I don’t know what it is,
it really sucks like, I ha–” And it was almost endearing,
he was just like, “I just don’t like,
ever feel high.” And I was like, that’s crazy.
– Then he pulls out his heroin. – I know. He– I was so–
I was feeling good, but I-I was glad I didn’t
have more than one hit, because I would’ve been
way too high. But I was maybe talking
a little bit too much, but I was being funny
and charming. I was trying my best,
but I– it– I kept vacillating between
is this a friend thing or am I even
attracted to him? – Is it a friend thing?
– Like, was I like, is this guy gonna be
a friend to me? – Like, chums,
smoking pot together. – 100% it’s not
a friend thing. – Well, I’m deciding
if that is. – Oh, if you wanna put him–
– Like if I wanna have sex– – Well, you have no decision
in this matter, Nikki. – Thank you.
I’m gonna get pissed on and, uh, yeah,
I’ll just have to take it. So… you know when you’re l– – Is he acting different
from five joints? – No, not at all.
He can totally handle it. – Is he drinking
with it too? – Nope, nope.
We’re just sitting– this is 5:00,
it’s light outside. We’re just sitting on
two, um, you know, lounge chairs
by the pool talking. I’m learning a lot about
his career, which is really fascinating. Like, he is very successful, there’s a lot of
interesting things going on in his life. He’s not asking me
anything about mine, which I’m just like, whatever,
I’ll get to it later. And he probably knows
more than he’s letting on, so he’s trying to play it cool. And then– and we’re having
a good conversation. Then, um, it comes up
that I’m vegan. And he seems
a little annoyed by that, which I’ve butted up
against with guys. – Sure, uh-huh.
– And I was just like– – You’re so mellow
about it, though. – (Natasha laughing)
– How dare you. I know, it’s m–
it really does turn guys off. But I can’t help it. And he’s
like, “why are you vegan?” I’m like, I don’t know,
I just love animals and I like, can’t eat them. I literally can’t,
I wish I could. Meat is delicious,
it sucks. And he’s like– he’s–
oh, I’m moving in New York to a neighborhood
he used to live in. And at this point,
this when I think I– he went from thinking–
liking me to like, after the vegan talk,
he just hated me. He just like, wa–
he– I think he realized “I’m not gonna fuck her”
or something. – He could smell that you weren’t gonna fuck him,
you mean? – Maybe?
– Yeah, yeah, okay. – It gets weird.
– Something shifted, got it. – Things take a turn.
– (Moshe) Great. – So… we have
the vegan talk, and he goes– I go– I was– I asked him about
my neighborhood that I’m about to move into,
he used to live there. And I go tell me
about it because I’ve only lived in Chelsea,
I’m about to move to SoHo, what was it like
when you lived there? And he’s like, “I don’t even
know what to tell yo–” Like, he didn’t even want
to answer me. I was trying
to like, engage him, and he was like, kinda done. And he goes, “I’m sure there’s
lots of vegan restaurants in that area.”
– Oof, I don’t like him. – And he goes,
uh, he goes, “You guys are kinda
taking over.” And I go, oh,
are you threatened? Like, I said it in like,
a flirty way. Like, oh– – “You guys have taken over.”
– “You guys.” And I’m like, these guys
with their fucking meat, it’s so annoying to me. If– if you’re threatened
by the fact– I don’t care
if you eat meat, but some of these guys get like,
really mad about it. – (Moshe) Sure.
– And they shift like, on a dime, and it’s just– I don’t– I don’t care
if you eat meat, but he took it personally.
“You guys are just– oh, these– yeah, you guys
are kinda taking over.” – It’s like a racist.
It’s very funny. It’s like, “These fuckin’–
theses vegans, “they’re moving into SoHo. “It’s not the neighborhood
it was, you know? It used to be all, you know–”
– “A Fogo de Chao on every corner.”
– (laughing) – Yeah, yeah.
– You know that restaurant where you can like,
put your meat– you put like,
a little paddle up when you want more meat–
– Yes, yes. – I had a guy
take me there once. He thought it was so cool,
I was like, this is the most low class… – If your identity
is eating meat– – Disgusting.
– (Nikki) It’s so un– – “More meat! It’s green?
I want more meat!” – Oh, it’s so gross.
– So he says you guys are taking over
the neighborhood. – And let me just give him
a little bit of credit. He is so cute,
he is, um, successful, he is making me laugh,
he’s saying funny things. I-I told him a story about
how I thought I was gonna get
murdered at one point. ‘Cause I go, I could’ve
come over here and you could murder me
right now. Like, this is actually kind of
a murder-y situation. And we’re like,
having flirty fun. – Sure.
– I’m like… I keep going between
I’m gonna marry this guy and I could totally see us
together forever– which is an insane thought
to even have on a first date but, you know, you go
all the places. – (Moshe) Sure.
– To like, no, this guy is just my friend,
I’m like, grossed out. Like i– a– and as
I’m realizing this, as I’m vacillating between
those two extremes, I realize he’s probably doing
the same thing with me. We’re all the same. Like–
– Right. – He’s probably going like,
“Ugh, I hate when she did that. Oh, wow, I really liked–” Like, it was just
all over the map. – He’s probably
not entertaining the illusion that he’s gonna
befriend you, though. – Really?
– Yeah, I do– I think it’s funny that
you went on a Raya date– – But she’s a famous–
– I’m famous! – No, I think it’s funny
that you went on a Raya date and were like, “Maybe this guy
will be a good buddy for me to hang with
for the next decade.” – But doesn’t it matter what
the lead-up was too? Like, if it was really sexual
in the texting chain. – There was no sexual– it was– there was
no flirtation in the texts. – So that kind of, you know–
– No, I’m just saying like, do you need friends?
– No. – No, you have plenty
of friends, right? So the idea that you’re like,
“Oh, maybe I’ll be this guy’s good ol’ chum.”
What you’re really thinking is like, “Maybe I’m not gonna fuck
this guy and get the hell–” – I meant Instagram friends.
– Okay, sure, sure. – Where we like
each other’s stuff, maybe I’ll see him at a party.
– Totally. – Industry friends.
– Yeah, yeah, yeah, got you. – He’s– he does some cool shit,
I do some cool shit, we might know each other
that way. So then all of a sudden– so I’m probably there
for 40 minutes at this point. And we’re having like, good, flowing conversation,
it’s not awkward. I’m kind of thinking like,
when am I gonna go? What’s gonna happen?
Then all of a sudden… (sighs) I’m so embarrassed
to even say this– – I’m excited.
– He gets a text, and he’s like, “Oh no. Oh no.” – (Natasha laughing) – And… and I’m like, what?
And he’s like, “Oh, shit. Oh, shit.
Okay, um, oh God. “Okay, I gotta– I gotta tak–
I gotta call th– I gotta take this call.” And he takes a call
in front of me that is a work emergency. There’s a press release
that went out and the writers are very upset
about it because it wasn’t supposed
to be announced. And he’s on the phone,
he’s like, “Well, the–” And it seems
very convincing. This checks out to me. As I’m–
in the moment I’m like, this is a legit
work emergency, there’s nothing fishy
about this, it seems like this is a th– But he’s on the phone
in front of me, right next to me,
on th– the lounge chair, he doesn’t go out of the room
to take the call. It’s going on for
about five minutes. And I’m– I text my fri–
at that point and I go, I’m gonna get into my phone then
if we’re gonna do this. He’s like, “I’m sorry,
this sucks.” He apologizes
maybe once a little bit, but not enough for me. Like, I need more
of an apology– – Sure.
– You just answered a phone in front of me
and are just sitting there. – Wait, he saw the number
and said “Oh no”? Or he got a text?
– He’s getting a text. “Oh no”. Then he calls and he’s
like, “Dude, blah blah blah.” And he’s talking.
And I’m just sitting there, I go to get my phone ’cause I’m just sitting there
like an idiot. I– and instantly,
I text my friends. I’m like, how long do you
let a guy have a phone call in front of you about
a work emergency before you just go
I’m gonna go? – Sure.
– And my friends are like, “is it happening right now?” In the time
that I’m texting them, all of a sudden people start
coming into the house. There’s like,
three guys that show up. And they, um,
music starts playing. Like, they– they walk
into the house and– at this point, I walk in
to grab my phone and all these guys walk in
as I’m grabbing my phone. None of them say
hello to me, none of them make
eye contact with me. They are– we’re in
the kitchen together. They– they just go “oh…” They look at me once, and then
no introduction, nothing. – They’re used to seeing girls
in his kitchen. – I guess. Um, it was–
it was so– I felt like a ghost. I was like, I don’t know,
how do I not exist? This is so weird.
They’re all on the phone, they’re talki– one of the–
then I get my phone, I go back outside. One of the roommates comes out and starts talking
to the guy on the phone. And this work emergency,
sometim– apparently isn’t so much of an emergency, ’cause they’re talking
about dinner all of a sudden. He’s on the phone, he’s like–
– “Fogo de Chao.” – Yeah.
– “Fogo de Chao, baby, SoHo.” – And his friend
is talking to him, I’m sitting– the friend
is facing me, the guy is turned around
to talk to his friend, the roommate is facing me,
won’t look at me. I’m literally
three feet from him, will not make eye contact
with me, I’m trying to just be like
hi, I’m Nikki. The guy doesn’t introduce me
to the roommate. Granted, he’s on the phone,
so maybe he’s juggling a little bit with
the conversation. Doesn’t introduce me.
Then another guy comes out and he’s FaceTiming
with his girlfriend around the pool, speaking Spanish
to his girlfriend. Like, “I love you, I love you,
it’s so good to see you.” Walking around the pool
right next to me, doesn’t acknowledge
that I’m there. The guy’s on the phone, the roommate’s
talking to the guy, the cell guy’s walking around. Then another guy comes in
and goes up to his room which I can hear and starts
blaring Maroon 5. – (all laughing)
– Blaring it! – So he kind of was
giving you the illusion that he lived in this place
by himself? – No, he told me
he had a roommate. He has a roommate that’s, um, another guy,
one of his best friends, and they both started
a production company together, and they’re really–
they’re fucking success– – (Natasha) Okay.
– Like, these two guys just like, partnered up
and big things are happening. And I believe all of it,
and it all checks out. So one of these guys
is that guy. He’s up there
blaring Maroon 5. Like, why would you–
if your friend was on a date or something–
would go up to your room and start blaring Maroon 5? Like, it just– it was chaos,
and then all of a sudden– and then he– the guy
on the phone, my date, goes, “I gotta go in and talk
to my roommate about this issue. It’s– the writers are really
pissed about this thing.” And I’m like, I don’t care.
So he leaves– – “This is a really good
Maroon 5 song, we gotta go rock out.”
– So… (laughs) So at this point,
I’ve also gone inside ’cause it’s cold
and I’ve gotten a blanket. And I’m like, I’m just taking
this blanket, is this fine? – So you’re covered
in a blanket right now? – So at this point,
I think he sees the blanket and he’s like, “Oh, shit,
she’s not going.” And that’s when I–
my first indication like, oh, he wants me to leave. And this is… so from the five minutes
he’s on the phone in front of me by himself,
the roommates all come home, it’s probably
three minutes later. He goes inside to the kitchen
to talk to the roommate, I’m left outside
with a blanket on my phone, texting my friends, being–
– Is it one of those foil like, immigration blankets?
– (laughing) – Why didn’t you leave?
– Yeah, why didn’t you leave? – Because– the first
opportunity I had, I did. – Okay.
– I mean this, we’re talking– like, this all happened
within six minutes of him being on the phone. I then get up and I follow him into
the kitchen, he’s just walked
into the kitchen to go talk to his roommate. And I go in and I go,
hey, I’m gonna go. And he goes, “okay.”
– Oh my God. Ugh!
– “Okay.” And then it was just silent,
and I’m like, when is he gonna apologize
for this chaos? And he doesn’t.
And so I-I’m thinking he’s gonna say I’m sorry,
and so what do I say? I go, I’m sorry.
You know when you’re just like, filling the space
with whatever– – No, this is such
a woman thing. “Oh, you were the rudest person
I’ve ever met in my life? This is all your fault?
My apologies.” – And I think, Moshe,
I was thinking like, he’s gonna say I’m sorry,
so I said what I thought he was gonna say, you know?
So I go I’m sorry, and he goes, “I’m sorry.”
And I was like, yeah… I go, why did this turn into a Fyre Festival meeting
all of a sudden? I was so proud of
myself for that line. He didn’t laugh…
– He didn’t laugh? – These guys were
all coke addicts. Like, they a– they
were all coked out. None of them made
eye contact with me. They’re all on the phone
doing deals. Like, it was chaos.
It went from nothing… – From hanging out
with one person… – …to total chaos
with three guys coming in and none of them looking at me
or saying hi to me. None of them.
– I mean, that’s what you get with a 25 year old–
house full of 25 year olds. – 30.
– Still, yeah. – So he goes, “okay.”
And I go all right. And by the way,
he had called me an Uber, I’m calling myself one home, there’s no attempt
to get me one home. I have a joke in my act
about how like, after you– g– g– if you don’t make
a guy cum like, things change. Like, if you hook up with a guy
and he doesn’t get to cum like, he will have brought you
there in an Uber Black, but you’re going back
in a Lyft Share. And my joke happened to me, except that I had to call
my Uber back. So I’m on– so then
he just walks me out, he doesn’t laugh at
my Fyre Festival joke, and we walk– and he goes,
he goes, “Okay, well, um…” – What does he say, though?
– “When do you leave?” And I was like, tomorrow.
And he was like, “okay, well, I’m coming to New York
in a couple weeks.” And, um, I was like,
okay, well, this was fun? And he was like, “yeah”,
and then we hugged. And he’s like,
“I’ll hit you up when I go to New York”,
and I’m like, okay. And then I’m out,
and the door shuts. And I’m– I just have a sense–
that’s when it dawns on me that was a fake call.
– Oh yeah. – The chaos erupted
out of nowhere, get this girl out of here.
– Absolutely. – Really?
– And it was so humiliating that someone
fucking tricked me or thought that they tricked me,
I was enraged. – Do you still have
the blanket on, by the way? As you’re waiting
for the Lyft? – I was proud I didn’t
put it back where– I left it by the pool.
I was like, good, fuck him, he has to pick up my fucking
blanket and fold it again. – What’re the clues
that you think this is fake? – I-I’m with you.
I thought it wa– – The second that–
the second that the conversation may have dipped
and there was a little bit less
chemistry between us, because of the vegan
weird thing, that I was being fl–
I was still trying to keep it flirty and fun,
but there was just– – You think he– so like,
what do you think happened? He– he like–
– Texted his friends, “send me an out, get me an out.” And then he did the thing
of “oh no, oh no.” Like, looking at his phone.
Just the fake “oh nos.” And I go what?
And he’s like, “um…” You know, struggling
to come up with something. And then– so I’m like,
oh my God, I just– someone had to rescue
this guy from a date with me? I’m fucking Nikki Glaser.
Fuck you! I’m the most funny,
interesting person you’ll ever fucking meet,
you piece of shit. And you’re gonna
send me home because I won’t– you get a sense
I won’t blow you today? – That’s what it was. I mean–
– Fuck you. – Yeah, he decided–
– I’m still a good hang. – Sure, I-I–
listen, I’m not on his side, I’m just trying to understand
his brain. – Ugh!
– Is he a good hang, though? Did you even wanna
hang with him? – He was cute and I was
still deciding if– I would’ve maybe like,
made out with him or done some–
and when I get made ou– I tend to like,
get convinced to like, do things with guys
that I don’t wanna do just by virtue of like,
their dick gets hard and I’m like, oh, I don’t
wanna make you mad at me. So he probably could’ve gotten
something out of the deal. – (laughing)
– I really– like, it wasn’t off the table. And I was– I’m trying
to throw myself into more hookup scenarios
to have more like, experiences, because I’ve just–
I really haven’t hooked up that much in my life,
and I-I just wanna live a little bit more.
– Ugh! And he had all those guys come?
– Dude, it was so embarrassing. ‘Cause I know the second
the door shut, they all laughed about it.
– Sure. – And were like, “Dude, thanks
for like, saving me, bro.” Like, you could just tell
that that was the vibe. They were all dancing
to Maroon 5. (all laughing) – ♪ She’s gone! She’s gone! ♪
– ♪ Me! Me! Me! ♪ ♪ Fogo de Chao ♪♪
Dancing like… – You know what would’ve
made it worse is if right as you were
standing there, humiliated, waiting for the Lyft,
if the, like, one of the guys
has opened the door and just been like,
“Big fan, by the way.” – I– it would’ve been–
it would’ve been validating. I was, like, did– did that–
do any of them even care that I’m, like,
who– they didn’t– it was so weird that they didn’t
talk to me, Moshe! – I love that you
start going through your credits in your brain. You’re like, “I’m in fucking–
I was on…” – I mean, I felt like I… everything was taken
from me in that moment. I felt so, like, who– (Moshe)
– Ugh. – I’m no one. I– I– this guy
treated me– ’cause he also started
the date by telling me about a terrible date
he had been on. He told me that
this girl sat down at drinks and she was like, “Let’s get some things
out of the way,” and she, like, had a bunch
of red flags immediately, and she was like,
“And I’m gonna order food. Is that okay?” And I was, like, that’s–
I go, “Did you buy her food?” And he goes,
“Oh, fuck, no. “As soon as she was, like, not
someone I wanted to be with, I left– I faked a call
and I left immediately.” So he told me that he did
the fake-call thing. – Oh, my God,
that’s crazy. Yeah, you got–
you got fake called. But, you know– – How dare you? – But– well, here’s
the bright side. You know that scene in
“A Bronx Tale” where the guy– – No. – You never saw “A Bronx Tale”?
It’s a great movie. But anyway, there’s
a scene where– where there’s,
like, a young mobster who wants to, like, who is
trying to be tough and impress
the local, like, mob boss and there’s a guy that
owes him $15 and it’s, like,
a running theme where the guy will walk by and the young mobster’s, like,
“Where’s my $15?!” And he’s chasing after the guy and the mob boss,
Chazz Palminteri, pulls him aside and says, “How much does
that guy owe you?” And he’s like, “15 bucks.” And he goes, “Well, you can
go fuck him up, “you can go beat his ass, “or you could never
talk to him again “and it only cost you $15 to get that guy
out of your life forever.” And the bright side– this
is a very humiliating story– – It’s so embarrassing. – But the bright side is
it would’ve been a lot worse if you had fucked that guy. Like, think about how much
worse that would be, if you had to have
that guy in your memory banks. ‘Cause… I guy like that,
it’s not like he’s gonna get cool once you fuck him,
so it’s like… – You’re right. – … thank God you didn’t
end up sleeping with a dude, like, some fucking gross
dude like that. – I made that mistake
a couple weeks ago. – Oh, yeah.
– Do you– – You got lucky
actually I think. – Yeah. – They show you who
you are immediately. – I think one of your
problems, Nikki, ’cause I know you
kind of, you know, I know, like, your taste is–
I think you kind of like bros. – Yeah, I do, I like– – And that’s
who you get. (Moshe laughing) – I know. I do. – I mean, I’ve never
dated one, so it’s, like,
this is kind of foreign to me. – I– I– I’ve never been
treated this way. I’ve never– – That’s pretty low. – No one’s ever done
the emergency call thing to me. (Moshe)
– But that sounds like– – It’s just, to get that,
as a girl, like, you’re like, “Who–
am I that obnoxious?” Like, that happens to girls
that are like, “Hi,” and they’re,
like, so stupid and they’re– like, that happens
to dumb girls. That doesn’t happen
to interesting, smart women. – Yeah, but, you know, that’s what also kind of what
you get when you date– when you date on Raya because, like, you know,
it’s the– clearly that guy’s dating tips come from watching
“Entourage” episodes. I just think it’s crazy
that you are– that you would take
this as “I was humiliated.” I just think– I hear the story,
I’m like, “You were lucky.” You got so lucky
to get out of there. What if you had that guy for the rest of your life
in your memory of, “I fucked that guy”? – Oh, I was– there’s no chance
I was gonna fuck him but I would’ve
liked to, like– I just wanted him to want
to fuck me, Moshe. Is that so hard? – Uh, no, It’s just this guy
sounds like the worse. – Then I felt reject, so then
he– he texted me. – Yeah. – So what do you
think about this? He texted me, “So sorry about
that before,” with the… baring-the-teeth emoji. – Sure.
That’s it? – Is that just him being like–
yeah, that’s it. And I tried to– – “So sorry about before”
and then… – Emoji, the… – “Ugh, I’m so busy! Ugh!” – That-was-weird emoji. Ugh… – Did you write him back? – Okay, so what– what happened
was I was trying to copy his text
so I could send to my friends to be like, “He just texted
me this” instead of screen-shotting
and I just, like, copied it, so I pressed on the– you know
when you press on the text, and I accidentally– – You hearted it? Oh, Nikki, no. Oh, Nikki, no. – And that’s it?
– That’s it. – Oh.
– And then nothing back. – You should write him again
and be like– – “Sorry, I didn’t
mean to heart that. Meant a thumbs-down.” – Yeah, I should’ve. Goddamn it. I really lost– – Thumbs-down would’ve
been the move. – I know,
it would’ve been so– I would’ve just left
at nothing. – Yeah, nothing
would’ve been better. – That would’ve been so cool,
but I hearted it, like, “It’s okay,
I’m totally fine with it.” So if you’re listening,
I didn’t mean to heart that, I’m not cool with it, I would’ve
just left it on red and– and– and– and–
and never written back. That’s how cool
I would’ve been. – He turned to the guys,
he’s like, “Turn up that Maroon 5,
she just hearted it!” – ♪ I’m at a pay phone
do-do-do-do ♪♪ – Mentally, I can’t come good
unless I use my own hand. We all know that. – “Can’t come good.”
– Yeah. – You know that’s not–
“I can’t come well.” – Good. – You can’t speak good either.
– No. ♪♪ – You can’t come good? – No, I can’t come good,
meaning I can’t come when I wanna come. I can’t come from sex,
from penetration. I can only come
when I use my own hand. A lot of times
by myself. – Uh-huh. I just– okay, so you
can’t come from sex. – I can’t come from–
– It’s not you can’t come good. – Yeah, I can’t come good. – It just sounds like when
you do come it’s just like when you– when you do–
do– when you do come– – Yeah. – Not when you do come. Like, when you actually
are able to come, it sounds when you say,
“I don’t– I can’t come good,” it sounds like it just, like,
kind of spurts out in, like, a sad way. That’s what, to me, meaning
“I can’t come good.” Whereas I think
you just can’t come. – Good. – Well, good. – For her. Well, not for me. She can come. But this is the thing–
so I talked about, like… So I can’t come with
my girlfriend and it’s not a great thing. You wanna be able
to come with your partner– – Have you ever, ever
been able to come? – Yeah, that’s
the problem, so– – With her? In your whole– how long
have you been together? – Yes, yes, we’ve come
but not from penetration. – Okay.
– Um… – From a blowjob?
– No. – From oral sex?
– My own hand. – Well, that’s not
coming togeth– okay, so you’ve
come in front of her. (Andrew laughing) – Yeah. – So you can come good
in front of her– – Decent. – But you’ve never been able to
come from– what about her hand? Why don’t you take
her hand and your hand– – Yeah, no, we’ve tried that.
– And no? – Well… You can’t– I don’t really
have a two-hand dick. – What does that mean? – Like, I’ve got more
of a one-hand kind. – No, okay, well,
I’m gonna just mime this but, like, it’s not that–
okay, so– – We’re on my dick. (Andrew laughing) – You– that doesn’t need
a two– it’s not like you– that doesn’t make sense. – So any– so I tell a story
about, um… on my podcast. I don’t want her
to listen to my podcast because I say some, like,
revealing stuff… – Yeah.
– … and I talk about… – Like what? – … how I, uh, had sex
with a prostitute– – You’ve never–
she’s never heard that? – In Vegas.
No. And part of the story– so I’m telling– so I don’t–
so I tell her, “It’s probably better that you
don’t listen to the podcast.” And she’s like,
“Well, what is it?” Now she really, you know,
you tell someone that, they’re intrigued. And we’re at dinner
and I was like, “Look, I just–” I go, “Fine, I’ll tell you,
I’ll just be honest with you. “I had sex with a prostitute
in Vegas when I was, like, 23.” – Oh. – And then–
and then I go– and then she’s like, “Okay.” I was, like, “Well, do you
wanna know the details?” So… I– I– she– we had sex and her friend
was in my ear, saying I can’t fuck her good and the next thing
I know– – Wait, why? The– the–
the hooker’s friend? – There were two hookers. – Okay. And one of them… and one
of them was… – So two– I paid– – Going, “You, you can’t
please her.” – Yeah, in my ear, shirtless. – What?
That’s kind of hot. – It was– it was the hottest
thing on earth. – To be like,
“You’re a fucking chump.” – “You’re a fucking– you gonna
fuck her, you gonna…” – I was like,
“Yeah, I’m gonna fuck her. I’m gonna try.” But I was at a strip club
for a whole day, so I had so much stock left, and this is before
Zoloft, so– – So you had been at– previous to getting
these two hookers, you had been
in Vegas for– you had spent 24 hours
at a strip club. – Yes. This stripper came up to me,
she goes… “What are you doing here?” And she goes,
“It’s my second shift.” So I was there for– she went home,
took care of her kids, came back… and I was still
sitting there. And so I didn’t
come for a week even. – And then you finally,
last night in Vegas, decided to get
two prostitutes. – One and she brought
a friend. – She brought a friend.
– Yeah. – And then she goes, “It’s a
thousand for each of us.” So I gave the one a thousand
and the other one 200. – And the–
just the one you gave 200, she was just whispering
in your ear– – Shirtless.
– Okay. – And they were both 10s.
– Okay. – And the girl, right when
she started blowing me– with a condom on… Disclaimer. I felt like I could come
right away. – There’s no way,
there’s fucking no way– – I swear to God, she was
wearing a condom. She put it on with
her mouth, I swear to God. – Okay, okay.
– I swear. – I actually believe you. – And then she sat
on my dick and, I swear to God,
before she even got to the bottom
of my dick, I came. – Mm-hmm. – Within seconds.
– I mean, it doesn’t take– – And they go– they go, “Did–
did– did he come?” That’s what she said. And then her blonde friend
who was like, “You gonna fuck her?”
she’s like, “He came!” And they’re both
talking over me like I’m not
even there anymore about how pathetic I am. – Oh, that’s
so humiliating. – So I tell my girlfriend
this story… – Over dinner. – And she gets angry. And I go, “I thought you weren’t
angry about the hooker.” – Wait, why didn’t–
– And she goes– – Why was she angry?
– Because I came. (Andrew laughing) – Oh, that makes sense. (Andrew laughing) – That makes sense. If you liked this clip from
“You Up With Nikki Glaser,” please share it with
someone that you care about. Spread the word. It means
a lot to me. – Get it out there,
everybody. Get the word out. Because we’re
the best. – This isn’t
a “we”– you’re– you join me sometimes. – We’re here every
Monday through Thursday. – Any other information that
you have about the show? – Yeah, it’s a good show.
– ‘Cause you’re so full of it. – We, um, we get down
to things, the nitty-gritty. – What does that mean? (Andrew laughing) Everything you–
watching you– – We tackle subjects that not
a lot of people will tackle. We’re not afraid of anything.