Justin Bieber Wants To Fight Tom Cruise & Desus Saw Mero Naked | DESUS & MERO | SHOWTIME

Justin Bieber Wants To Fight Tom Cruise & Desus Saw Mero Naked | DESUS & MERO | SHOWTIME

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[MUSIC PLAYING] DESUS: Damn!
MERO: Hey, yo, yo. What up?
What up? What up?
[INTERPOSING VOICES] What’s up with the thermostat? Why it so cold in here? MERO: Yo, what up? [LAUGHTER] This the temperature
my parents’ house be in the winter and shit.
– Yo, what’s up? I’m like, yo. They be like put on a sweater. Man, fucking– Oh, shit. –put on a mountain
climbing jacket. How’s it going, guys? [APPLAUSE] Yeah! Yeah! Woo! We just got back from
L.A., so we’re litty, litty. Yo.
You know what I’m saying? Hanging out with the
dude from “The Bachelor.” Yeah, Nick.
He’s out there. Nick, he’s out there. You know what I’m saying? It’s just Hollywood. That’s Hollywood, baby.
You know what I’m sayin’? [LAUGHTER]
– That’s Hollywood. We’re at the townhouse
like, Nick, baby, you want to go to Majordomo? We go in there, Jordan
Peele was there. So it was everything’s cool. Yeah, let’s go
get some whale– I saw Mero’s dick. Know what I’m sayin’? [LAUGHTER] Facts. That was wild. JULIA: What? Cause I fell asleep, I
sleep with no pants on. [LAUGHTER] So I was like, yo. My flight was mad earlier
than everybody else’s flight, so I had to dip out of the hole. – He left early, so–
– Early, know what I’m sayin’? You know, I came– Home in my new crib. And I heard him snoring. And I was like,
oh, let me just go make sure he knows about
his flight and everything. And I crept around the corner,
he had his back to me, and– [LAUGHTER] He had his phone in one hand
and his something in the other. [LAUGHTER] And he was like
asleep like that. [LAUGHTER] So I crept out the room. And I was like, shit, what– because I got to tell him
though if he’s going to miss the alarm for the flight. Because I’m a real friend– [LAUGHTER] –I went back. That’s when I realized– I was like, oh, shit, yo. I realized there was air
conditioning in his room, if you know what I’m saying. I was like, oh, shit! No! And he hopped out like that
was not the first time he’s gotten caught in that position. [LAUGHTER] I didn’t want to mention it,
but he came in this morning and was like, yo,
you seen my dick. [LAUGHTER] JULIA: Dammit. So there you go. Yo, man. I mean– MERO: Yeah.
Do I sleep naked? Yeah. Well, I mean, it depends
on where I fall asleep. You know what I’m saying? Sure, sure. Yeah he was on the
Winnie the Pooh, shit. [LAUGHTER] I was like, so– I was like, he’s going
looking for a pot of honey. MERO: I know. Like that shit, I think I
inherited that from my pops. My pops would get up with a
shirt on and a straight like– you know what I’m saying,
like the firehouse. We getting doors in the
next air bnb, fuck that. [LAUGHTER] No, sir. Hell no. Because I grew up in the Bronx. If someone breaks into your
house and you’re naked– don’t give a fuck.
You end up boxing like– I’d jump like, yo, what up? What up? What up? What up? I’m locked and loaded. You know what I’m sayin’? I think somebody’s more
scared of you jerking off and then getting shot. Yeah. – You know what I’m saying?
– Yeah. Like, if a dude run up
in your crib and like, you know what I’m saying,
you’d go, yo, what’s good? I don’t think
that’s how it works. – What’s popping?
– I don’t think you could just– You gonna rob me? You gonna rob me? [LAUGHTER] Hold that. Listen, I don’t want to know
what the graphic department is going to do with that, but– [LAUGHTER] Wow. So, yeah. Also we were stranded in
a airport for 10 hours. 10 hours, dawg. In Newark Airport. Yo! That’s not even really an
airport, it’s like a car lot. It’s not. It’s like a port. OK, first of all, they
said our plane needed a part and it was
coming from like D.C. I’m like, a carburetor? Don’t just be putting
parts in my plane and shit, get a new plane. I’m just imagining
like two dudes smoking a bogie under this
plane like, yeah, hmm. – Turn it that way.
– Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, just stick it up in there. It’ll be fine. – I mean–
– Yeah, we’re kind of broke. Yeah. Yo, Dave, yo, what up? What’s up with the PJ?
You know what I’m saying? The Showtime plane,
put our faces on it. Does Showtime have a plane? They should, right? They’re laughing
up there like, hell no, you don’t got no plane. [LAUGHS] You need some money. [LAUGHS] They’re like, yeah,
we didn’t give William H. Macy a plane, you think
y’all niggas getting a plane? [LAUGHS] DESUS: Oh, man. We put Paul Giamatti
on the fucking G train. Are you crazy? Niggas are wildin. Mm-mm. DESUS: Hell, no. DESUS: You got to go back
and forth, because LA’s cool for, like, two days.
And then– MERO: Yeah. –you miss New York or shit. MERO: I max out, yeah. Like, I like to– there’s moments in New
York you miss, like, at midnight, when
you see, like, a rat scurry across, you’re like, oh. MERO: Yeah you know
what I’m saying? That’s touching, bro. Like, when you’re
waiting for the train, and it’s not your train,
it’s the garbage train– Yeah. –you’re like, oh,
come the fuck on. You feel me? You can’t get that in LA. You don’t get that feeling,
bro, and the essence. Like, the people are more
menacing after, like, 4:00 AM. DESUS: Yeah. Also, everything is a
dub after 2:00 AM in LA. DESUS: Not even 2:00.
After, like, 12:00– Yeah, it’s, like–
DESUS: –you can’t get shit. –yo, it’s over,
bro, like, ghost town. You’re in downtown Los
Angeles, and it’s just like– also, if you walk anywhere,
people look at you like you’re a fucking alien. Probably because we had on
black jeans and Timbs, OK? [LAUGHS] I was like, 90 degrees? Oh, well. Let’s go. Stompin’. John’s diving in the pool
with Timbs on and shit, like. DESUS: Tom Cruise,
right, to a fight. I don’t know what he–
– Justin Bie– –was off of, but– What? Yeah, he was like,
I want to fight you. Like, he told him on Twitter. Look at this. MERO: I want to challenge Tom
Cruise to fight in the octagon. Tom, if you don’t take
this fight, you’re scared, and you will never live it down. Who’s willing to put– yo, Tom Cruise is 60, nigga! What are you doing, bro? I think Tom Cruise
would beat the living shit out of Justin Bieber. – I also think that.
– Just for this. This is wild egregious. Yo, fair. Like, he literally was like,
yo, Tom Cruise, you’re a pussy. You’re a pussy!
Like, that’s it! Like, yo. He saw “Cocktail.” He ain’t see “Jack Reacher.” Fair. Come on. Hey, get fucked up, boy. Yeah, watch.
I think they’re going to slide– He’s going to be sad,
though, when Tom Cruise pulls up with a Apple box. Like, stand on the top of it,
like, all right, what’s up? Hey, guys! Yo, why your wrestling
boots got heels? – Tom Cruise.
– Tom Cruise. Tom Cruise.
Tom Cruise. Tom Cruise.
– Yeah. You know what I’m saying? Shout to everybody that
got that reference. Wasn’t he– no,
I’m not going to say anything about Scientology. Mm-mm. No, no. And somebody just come
out with a black bag and– Yeah, like, nope! They’re like, when
you coming back to LA? It’s like, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no,
never, never, never. No, that’s,
like, the one stand hive that we’re not fucking
with, because it’s like, yo– I don’t think we have enough
money to be in Scientology. You never see anyone
broke in Scientology. No. They all mad rich, bro. There’s never anyone on your
corner fucked up, like, oh, he gone off that Scientology. Oh, damn, bruh. Oh, you mean he’s
Scientologists now? Damn.
– Oh, damn. Sorry to hear it.
– Yo. (NEW YORK ACCENT)
Yo, yo, Papi, I need this money for [INAUDIBLE] MERO: OK. Yo, you know, I got
that Dianetics, bro. Nah, man. Yo, my readings
are off by a bit. DESUS: Nah, nah! Come on, man. Like, yo, my levels. Like, who are we, in the
fucking studio nigga? What do you mean, your levels? [INAUDIBLE] Scientology? Yeah, and they’re all rich, so
that means that they all got shooters and got assassins
and shit that could kill you, you know what I’m saying? That’s what I think, bro,
when I think rich people. They just hire hitmen,
you know what I’m saying? I don’t know if
that’s actually true, or if that’s something I thought
of when I was high at 3:00 AM? – Probably.
– Probably? Probably. Probably. Raptors are winning
tonight, y’all. I’m sorry.
DESUS: Calling it? I’m calling it. I called it in six.
But yo– DESUS: Yeah. They got it tonight, bro. Five. Kawhi’s the MVP. Lock your bets in right
now, even though– [INTERPOSING VOICES] You don’t think
KD’s coming back? KD going to make the
dramatic comeback? KD’s already sewing Durant
on the back of a Knicks jersey right now. He’s on the phone
with [INAUDIBLE] yo, y’all got a bass player? Yeah. Yeah. No, like, I just get
high– super duper, duper, duper high in my basement. So my kids don’t come
downstairs and be like, Daddy, it smells like pine trees. And then I go
upstairs, and I watch it on the massively large TV. JULIA: 4K? Yeah, H4K, HDRUHVTHPV. All that. Yeah, I don’t know what
Best Buy you went to, but– [INAUDIBLE]
afford ’em and shit. They’re like, yo, this shit
got HPV, this shit got, woo, everything. Shit got everything, bruh. You know what I’m saying? Like, yo. Where do you watch
the game, Julia? [LAUGHTER] Why did you say that like
your home was a fucking– Like she doesn’t
have a home, and she’s been lying to us all the time. MERO: No! I’m like, has
seen Julia’s house? I live in a
cabin in the woods. Like, what? No! With walls and a
roof and everything? [LAUGHTER] My bread sli– [LAUGHTER] Oh, man. Yo, stop! Oh, shit. Oh, my god. Well, it’s not funny. There are some of y’all
who are in relationships with people who
do not have homes, and they’re lying to you. Yeah. Yo, meet me at my man’s crib. DESUS: No, no, yo.
– Yo, we like to party. DESUS: Yo, pick me up at work. I’m like, yo, why? Why? Why always at work? DESUS: We were that. Then you start noticing
more stuff at your house. You’re like, yo, oh, oh,
wow, oh, your Instant Pot. Oh, wow. MERO: Oh, OK. DESUS: OK? Oh, shit. You took two drawers now. OK, OK. Just take half your closet. So you’re like, no. Oh, shit. “Single White Female” shit. Remember that? Yes, Grandpa. We all remember that movie. They never did a
remake of it, right? MERO: They have to. Yeah, they got to. Let’s do it. Let’s do it, you
know what I’m saying? There’s a couple of logistical
issues there, but yeah. Are you going to
just wear a wig? Yeah! So you’re wearing a wig, and
then I’m also wearing a wig, and I following you? I want your life. It’s going to be very weird. You come in, I’m breastfeeding
one of your kids. I’m daddy now. Was that “Single White Female?”
I don’t know. I’m just mixing up
a bunch of movies. Close enough, right?
– More or less, yeah. That was the movie with
the lady that who was trying to steal Beyoncé’s husband? No, that was wild. I saw that in a movie theater. And I was like, oh yes,
Beyoncé, kill that bitch. “Obsessed.”
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. MERO: “Obsessed.” Yeah, there you go. She killed Ali Larter? Who? I think that was it. No. Who? What? That was somebody else.
I forgot her name. She was a brunette. But this girl was blond. – Annie Larter?
– It was Ali. How do you even
know that name? It was from a movie.
DESUS: Are you related to her? No. She was in “Varsity Blues.” “I don’t want your life.” She had the whip
cream on her titties. That’s the only part
of the show I know. And then part when she had the
whip cream on– on the thing? I didn’t get that far. Yeah, bruh! Huh? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He’s like, “I don’t
want your life.” It was a powerhouse performance. I was like, yo, he did this– I’m like, yo– Oh, my god. You do not sound
Southern at all. Like, I don’t know what
kind of accent that is. It’s like, oh! Nah, it didn’t make me cry. It just made me be like,
damn, white people crazy. You know what I’m saying? You know when the
last time I cried was. I had to wake his ass up. He had his dick out. [LAUGHTER] Yo, how was this nigga
asleep but fully erect. I had questions! I had questions! I was like, he has not
dropped his phone or nothing. The fuck? [INAUDIBLE] like the fuckin’
Pompeii niggas like that. I came in. I was like, oh, he died doing
what he loved, beating it. We have a little fountain
spray, like, soda out for the– – You know what I’m saying?
– –we’re going? [VOCALIZING] Oh, “Beat It.” I get it. [LAUGHS] Oh, Michael
Jackson’s estate’s like, no, you can’t use that
song for that. No, that’s ignorant. [LAUGHS] Is the mic? Yo!
Oh, shit. I don’t even be
looking over and shit. I be like, yo, what’s up, y’all? All right. I’m high as shit. No, not real– well, no. I usually wake up at, like,
5:00 when my kids wake up. I go to my basement,
I smoke weed, and then I come back upstairs,
because they’re like, oh, Daddy’s just tired. I’m like, no, I’m
high as fuck, bro. You don’t even know. You just think I’m tired. I’m just high as shit. I’m about to drop you off
at school with no shoes on. And be like, oh, I can’t
get out the car, because I don’t have any shoes on. You really drive
with no shoes on? [LAUGHS] JULIA: Why don’t you
just put shoes on? Yo, yo. DESUS: Imagine you get
into a car accident, and the person that hits
you gets out the car, has no shoes on? Like, I am just driving off. I’d be like, clearly,
you have the The General as your insurance. [LAUGHS] Yo! Man. Yo. Man.
Oh, my god. He’s got the hair
on the knuckles. And just step in a puddle. Dog- I drove my son
to school one day, and got pulled over when– because I didn’t
have nothing on me. I just went in,
like, my pajamas. Again, he likes to travel
like Winnie the Pooh. He don’t like bottoms. No! I put pants on. But then I made, like,
I guess an illegal turn without signaling. And I got pulled over. And the dude was like, yo,
let me get your license. I was like, I don’t
even have shoes on. I was like, what the
fuck would you think– And yet the cop let him go? Yeah. I was like, yo,
what the fuck makes you think I’m going
to have my license when I don’t even got shoes on? I was getting– talking spicy. My son was in the
back, like, yo, chill. I’m not trying to get
shot, too, motherfucker. Yo, if you get
shot, I get money. If I get shot, I die. Yo, you gotta be a different
level of rich to be barefoot cursing at the cops. Salute this man. [APPLAUSE] That’s a Bronx gene right there. JULIA: Yeah, we’re good. OK. Yo! Let’s start. All right, y’all
ready for the show? Y’all ready? [CHEERING] Anyone– Anyone got
to use the bathroom? Nah, my bowels are empty. You gotta hold it. [MUSIC PLAYING]

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100 Comments

  1. If I was Tom Cruise, I'd set this up…even if I had to do it for free and I'd beat the brakes off Justin Bieber.

  2. Corp of coward Justine, with tattoo scribble… Respect the old bunny of capricious blonde fragility.He's not your age. Do octogone with a gay music industry…

  3. Guys the hood doesnt get showtimes. I want the brand to stay strong but you're missing your main demographic. I hope you invest this money wisely and continue to grow.

  4. mero admitting on premium cable that he drives his kids to school high is (at least thats how the edit presented it) probably not a good look for him lol

  5. One of yโ€™all sold out to get this platform .. yโ€™all corny as fuck no way yโ€™all go this platform before other talent ..

  6. I'm sliding over cars while I SHOOOT!!!

    they think that I'm TOM Cruise!

    TOM Cruise! TOM Cruise! TOM Cruise

    But bitch I'm BOBBY WITH THAT TOOOOOOOL!!!!!!!

    If you know drop that like

  7. My boy Kid Mero eating ๐Ÿฝ good with this Showtime money ๐Ÿ’ต!! He lookin like he put on 30lbs ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

  8. Tom: You sure you wanna do this, kid?
    Justin: Yeah, I"m sure, old man.

    Tom: Okay, but remember, you asked for this.

  9. You know you made it when you have someone to refresh your beer and lint brush your clothes while you hold a conversation. Salute to Desus and Mero!

  10. The Biebs wants revenge for all the sick Illuminati shit Tom made him do when he 1st got famous!

  11. Ppl actually tune in to this every week?

    This has to be the worst talk show or whatever this is in the last 50yrs. of television.

    Are they supposed to be funny? Idk๐Ÿคท๐Ÿฝโ€โ™‚๏ธ

  12. Ali Landry – the Doritos commercial gal, who once dated Slater (Mario Lopez) from "Saved By The Bell."

  13. As a person who lives in LA, let me tell you how true this is. They dont walk nowhere and after about 1am on a Friday night, even DTLA is DEAD. Aint nobody in sight.

  14. There's a ton of poor people AVN middle class people in Scientology. They all work for the rich ones. Its like a scam they recruit people telling them they can live there best life an be rich & famous like Tom. But then they end up being janitors, cooks, cleaners, & baby sitters to the higher ups.

    But they live at the facilities. Thats why u nvr see them.

  15. Bodegas Boys had come a long A$$ MTFing way; from The Bronx To All America Y El Cibao Tambien (,for my Peoples in The DR.)

  16. Is it really your bestfriend if you haven't seen there dick on accident๐Ÿคฆโ€โ™‚๏ธ๐Ÿ˜‚

  17. Julia mad suspect. Last Mondayโ€™s episode she asked them about Fatherโ€™s Day and Desus was like โ€œWhat are you my aunt?โ€ And Julia goes โ€œYou KNOW Iโ€™m not your aunt!โ€ Hmmmm

  18. Waiting for the bus only for it to skip your stop๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚in the fucking snow๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚ canโ€™t get that no where else

  19. Donโ€™t ever drink while watching this show, water came out my nose. Also donโ€™t eat, I choked and died bro desus got me dead

  20. They should do a how high movie they would be great to play the part both are funny as hell and real as shit

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