President Obama’s Weekend of Insults

President Obama’s Weekend of Insults

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WELCOME TO “THE LATE SHOW.” I’M STEPHEN COLBERT. AS YOU CAN TELL I’VE GOT MY
SEXY, POST-LABOR DAY VOICE TONIGHT. EVERYBODY ELSE HAVE A GOOD
WEEKEND? ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
EXTRAORDINARY, EXTRAORDINARY. I KNOW WHO DIDN’T HAVE A GOOD
WEEKEND WAS PRESIDENT OBAMA. HE FLEW TO CHINA FOR LABOR DAY
BECAUSE HE WANTED TO SEE WHERE AMERICAN LABOR WENT. AND THE PRESIDENT’S THERE FOR
HIS VERY LAST G-20 SUMMIT. SO THE NEXT TIME HE TALKS
INTERNATIONAL ECONOMICS, IT’LL BE WITH A REALLY BORED PERSON AT
A PARTY. “WHAT’S THAT? OH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH,
MR. PRESIDENT. THOSE TARIFFS REALLY SOUNDED
LIKE A TERRIBLE IDEA. YEAH. HOLD ON ONE SECOND. HELEN!”
( LAUGHTER ) IF YOU EVER HAVE TO BETTER DEAL
SOMEBODY AT A PARTY, JUST YELL THE NAME HELEN AND WALK AWAY. NOBODY’S GOING TO SAY YOU DON’T
KNOW SOMEBODY NAMED HELEN. THERE WAS A BIT OF A ROUGH PATCH
AT THE BEGINNING OF THE MEETING, WHEN CHINESE OFFICIALS WOULDN’T
LET PRESIDENT OBAMA GET OFF AIR FORCE ONE USING THE NORMAL
STAIRCASE, OR “STAIR FORCE ONE,” GOD I HOPE IT’S CALLED. SO OBAMA HAD TO USE A SMALLER
METAL STAIRCASE THAT FOLDED OUT FROM UNDER THE PLANE. THAT’S RIGHT, THE CHINESE MADE
HIM USE THE FOLDAWAY, THE JENNIFER CONVERTIBLE OF STAIRS. NATURALLY, DONALD TRUMP WEIGHED
IN, BECAUSE… ( LAUGHTER )
BECAUSE DONALD TRUMP?>>THEY WON’T EVEN GIVE HIM
STAIRS, PROPER STAIRS. YOU SEE THAT? THERE ARE PICTURES OF OTHER
LEADERS GOING THERE, AND THEY’RE COMING DOWN WITH A BEAUTIFUL RED
CARPET. BUT HE’S COMING DOWN A METAL
STAIRCASE IN THE BACK OF THE PLANE. I GOT TO TELL YOU, THAT WERE ME,
I’D SAY, “YOU KNOW WHAT, FOLKS?” I RESPECT YOU A LOT. LET’S CLOSE THE DOORS. LET’S GET OUT OF HERE.” IT’S A SIGN OF SUCH DISRESPECT.>>Stephen: WAIT A MINUTE,
WAIT. SO THAT’S IT? ( LAUGHTER )
YOU DON’T GIVE HIM THE STAIRCASE AND HE GOES AWAY? ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>>Jon: THAT MIGHT BE IT. THAT MIGHT BE ALL WE GOTTA DO,
RIGHT?>>Stephen: MR. TRUMP, WHAT
KIND OF STAIRCASE WOULD YOU REALLY NOT WANT? I’ MJUST ASKING FOR MY
GRANDCHILDREN TRUMP KNOWS WHAT HE’S TALKING
ABOUT WHEN HE TALKS ABOUT STAIRS. WHEN YOU MAKE A GRAND ENTRANCE,
YOU DO IT ON A REALLY SLOW ESCALATOR. AND AIRPORT STAIRS WEREN’T THE
ONLY THING INSULTING PRESIDENT OBAMA. HE WAS SUPPOSED TO MEET TODAY
WITH RODRIGO DUTERTE, THE PRESIDENT OF THE PHILIPPINES,
HOPEFULLY TO GET TO THE BOTTOM OF WHY PHILIPPINES IS SPELLED
WITH A “P-H” BUT “FILIPINO” IS SPELLED WITH AN “F.” THAT IS “P-H’d” UP. IN MY OPINION. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BUT THE MEETING HAS BEEN CALLED OFF, BECAUSE WHEN OBAMA SAID HE
WOULD CONFRONT DUTERTE ABOUT HIS SUMMARY EXECUTION OF OVER 2,000
SUSPECTED DRUG OFFENDERS, IN THE FILL FEENS,
DUTERTE DU-TORE HIM A NEW ONE, CALLING PRESIDENT OBAMA THE SON
OF A WHORE.>>Audience: OOOH!>>Stephen: LOOK, I DON’T KNOW
HOW THEY DO THINGS IN THE DON’T ATTACK THE WOMAN WHO GAVE
BIRTH TO THE PRESIDENT. WE ATTACK WHERE SHE GAVE BIRTH. AND IT TURNS OUT PRESIDENT
DUTERTE HAS BIT OF A DUTERTE MOUTH. BECAUSE LAST MONTH, HE INSULTED
THE U.S. AMBASSADOR, SAYING “THE SON OF A WHORE. HE PISSED ME OFF.” AND WHEN THE POPE FRANCIS
VISITED THE PHILIPPINES, HE ATTACKED HIM BY SAYING, “POPE,
SON OF A WHORE, GO HOME.” , OF COURSE, THE POPE IS A HOLY
MAN, VERY PATIENT. HE RESPONDED BY SAYING,
“I WILL GO HOME, RIGHT AFTER I STOP BY YOUR MOM’S.” ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
SAY HI. SAY HI. WHAT AN HONOR. WHAT AN HONOR. WHAT AN HONOR TO HAVE THE THE
POPE VISIT YOUR MOM. ( LAUGHTER )
NOW, IN DUTERTE’S DEFENSE, HE’S NOT THE FIRST PERSON TO HURL
THIS INSULT. WE ALL REMEMBER WHEN REAGAN BLEW
UP THE INTERNET WITH THIS.>>MR. GORBACHEV, YOUR MOTHER IS
A WHORE.>>Stephen: IT WORKED, IT
WORKED. THE WALL CAME DOWN. PEOPLE FORGET THAT PART.>>Jon: IT DOES.>>Stephen: THEY ONLY REMEMBER
THE POLITE PARTS OF REAGAN. NOW– CAN YOU REALLY UNDERSTAND
A WORD I’M SAYING RIGHT NOW WITH MY THROAT?>>Jon: YEAH.>>Stephen: IS THIS A GOOD
SOUND?>>Jon: IT’S NICE, IT’S
SMOOTH, LIKE THE RADIO.>>Stephen: THIS IS SMOOTH.>>Jon: THAT’S SMOOTH, BUT
LIKE LOUIS ARMSTRONG SMOOTH.>>Stephen: SO I’M SMOKING A
LOT OF WEED, IS WHAT YOU’RE SAYING. I SOUND LIKE, “OH, THAT IS
NICE.” I FEEL LIKE I SOUND LIKE BRENDA
VICARRO. ASK YOUR PARENTS. NOW, THE PRESIDENT DOESN’T HAVE
TO PUT UP WITH STUFF MUCH LONGER BECAUSE A BUNCH OF PEOPLE OUT
THERE WANT HIS JOB. AND HILLARY CLINTON HAD A ROUGH
TIME CAMPAIGNING THIS WEEKEND. ( COUGHING )
>>I’VE BEEN TALKING SO– ( LAUGHTER )
>>Stephen: THAT’S A LOT OF COUGHING. YET ANOTHER HILLARY CLINTON
HACKING SCANDAL. ( LAUGHTER )
A QUICK– ( COUGHS )
A QUICK NOTE OF ADVICE: IF PEOPLE ARE QUESTIONING YOUR
HEALTH, MADAM, AND YOU HAVE A TERRIBLE COUGH, DON’T DO IT
STRAIGHT SPOT MIC. BUT HILLARY HAD A NICE RECOVERY.>>EVERY TIME I THINK ABOUT
TRUMP, I GET ALLERGIC. ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )>>Stephen: YEAH, SHE GETS
ALLERGIC. WHICH IS BAD NEWS BECAUSE NOT
EVEN HILLARY CAN AFFORD AN EPIPEN. SPEAKING OF– I DIDN’T RAISE THE
PRICES. SPEAKING OF HILLARY, HAVE YOU
HEARD ABOUT THE LATEST F.B.I. REPORT ON HER EMAILS? PROBABLY NOT, BECAUSE THEY PUT
IT OUT THE FRIDAY BEFORE LABOR DAY. YOU CAN’T HIDE THAT NEWS MORE IF
YOU WELDED IT INSIDE A LEAD CAPSULE AND FIRED IT INTO THE
HEART OF THE SUN. AND ONE OF THE BIG REVELATIONS
OF THIS LATEST E-MAIL DUMP IS THAT SECRETARY CLINTON DIDN’T
USE JUST ONE SMARTPHONE IN OFFICE AS SHE ORIGINALLY
CLAIMED, SHE USED UP TO 13 DIFFERENT
MOBILE DEVICES IN FOUR YEARS. 13 CELL PHONES! MADAM SECRETARY, TELL THE TRUTH. ARE YOU A CRACK DEALER? ( LAUGHTER )
BECAUSE I CAN’T FIGURE OUT WHY ELSE YOU WOULD NEED 13 PHONES. MEANWHILE– IT’S ACTUALLY BETTER
IF I TALK UP HERE. IT’S MUCH EASIER. THIS IS MUCH SMOOTHER UP HERE. THIS IS VERY NICE.>>Jon: THAT WORKS, TOO.>>Stephen: MEANWHILE, OVER
THE WEEKEND THE CROWN PRINCE OF TRUMPLAND,
DONALD TRUMP JR., TWEETED THIS PHOTO WITH THE HASHTAG
#MILLENIALSFORTRUMP, AND A LOT OF PEOPLE QUESTIONED THIS
FROM PEOPLE WHO DIDN’T THINK IT WAS REAL, TO PEOPLE WHO THOUGHT
IT LOOKED LIKE A SCIENTOLOGY POSTER BECAUSE THE PHOTO SEEMS
A LITTLE STIFF. BUT THEY HAD A TON OF FUN AT THE
PHOTO SHOOT. I KNOW BECAUSE WE HAVE ACTUALLY
OBTAINED SOME EXCLUSIVE BEHIND-THE-SCENES FOOTAGE. JIMMY?>>OH, MY GOD, YOU’RE ON FIRE,
I’M ON FIRE. SOMEBODY CALLED THE FIRE
DEPARTMENT. WE NEED AN ARSON INVESTIGATION. THIS IS SO AMAZINGLY HOT RIGHT
NOW. LESS, LESS. THAT’S WONDERFUL. YOU’RE YOUNG, YOU’RE FABULOUS. YOU’RE TRUMP CHILDREN. GIVE THAT TO ME. OH, GOOD LORD, YES, ABSOLUTELY. YOU’RE INHUMAN MONSTERS, YOU
RULE THE NIGHT, YOU FEAST ON HUMAN FLESH. PERFECT! ALL RIGHT, YOU’RE YOUNG, YOU’RE
HIP, YOU’RE REACHING OUT TO MILLENNIALS. YOU DON’T CARE. DEVIL MAY CARE. GIVE ME HIP. GIVE ME GREAT. PERFECT. CHANGE IT UP. DO ANYTHING. ANYTHING DIFFERENT. JUST CHANGE IT UP IN ANY WAY AT
ALL. PERFECT. I WANT YOUR EYES TO BE DEAD,
NOTHING, OKAY. YOU JUST REALIZED YOU LIVE IN A
GILDED GAUGE FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, AND THERE’S NO
ESCAPE. OKAY? AND MONEY DOES NOT BUY
HAPPINESS! YES! LET’S SOFTEN THINGS UP A LITTLE
BIT. GIVE ME A LOOK THAT SAYS YOU’VE
ALL AGREED NEVER TO TALK ABOUT THAT HOMELESS MAN YOU KILLED AS
CHILDREN. YES! ALL RIGHT, JUST FOR FUN, I’M
GOING TO SHOOT SOME VIDEO, ALL RIGHT. HOLD THAT LOOK. THAT’S GOOD. HOLD IT. NOW GO CRAZY. PERFECT. NOW CALM DOWN AGAIN. NOW GO CRAZY AGAIN! SHOW ME PASSION! SHOW ME SEXY. HOW ABOUT A LITTLE LAUGH, HA-HA. AND DEAD INSIDE AGAIN. BEAUTIFUL. ALL RIGHT, YOU GUYS WERE
AMAZING. I THINK WE’VE GOT EVERYTHING YOU
NEED. YOU’RE INCREDIBLE TO WORK WITH. LET’S JUST DO ONE MORE SET, AND
THIS IS FOR THE BABY CALENDAR. PERFECT! WE’VE GOT A GREAT SHOW TONIGHT. HARRY CONNICK JR. WILL BE HERE,
AND DONALD TRUMP GOES TO DETROIT. STICK AROUND.

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100 Comments

  1. As a Filipina, a 20 year old Philippine citizen, I apologize for my president's… vocabulary and impulsiveness.

  2. DROP A LITER OF PEPSI FROM 50,000 FEET ON 'FILIPINES', AND THEY, ARE GONE.
    seems like duturte, son of a whore, likes 'LAST GREAT DEFIANT ACTS '; THE SADIST.
    WE LOVE FILIPINOS, DESPISE CRAZY MILITARY DICTATORS WHO MURDER.

  3. i'm sorry trump's supporters did y'all watched 1:45 vice president's face ? OMG he look around like wtf and then he couldn't hold it no more and ended up bursting of laugh although i'm a republican but I don't support our Orange president but fox news said that's wasn't the real president and called it fake president and fake news ! Keep up the good work stephen

  4. I find ivanka kind of cute but her bros hell!! why do they existing, such father like son ! LOL wahahhahHAHHA

  5. “Every time I think about Trump, I get allergic.” Ok, guys, I think it’s safe to say whether you like her or not that was savage.

  6. Btw, I know this is an old video, but I can explain.

    The Philippines was originally named Felipinas (something like that), after King Felipe __ (I forgot which one it was; I think VI?) of Spain. Philippines is just the English spelling of the name.

  7. So THAT'S why Trump mentioned the stairs! Because of his now well-documented stair phobia! Ohhhhhh…that all makes sense now!

  8. The fact that he can harass a president about his birth certificate and then call ANYONE else disrespectful of Obama is such deep delusion.

  9. This is awesome! I loved this more because it's on my birthday! If Colbert, Oliver, Meyers, Stewart, and Kimmel ran the USA, The USA would be in such better shape and WE WOULD ALL BE PROUD TO BE AMERICANS!

  10. What's that photo supposed to suggest? That the only Millennials supporting Trump are his children? And by the way, that photo suggests that only 3/5 Trump children support Trump. And is Don Jr. technically a Millenial? If he is, he fits JUST under the line.

  11. When he said everybody knows someone named Helen, I was like I dont think so-
    Wait no I used to have a coworker named Helen so yea I do know someone named Helen.

    I'm a doofus. I'm someone named Helen.

  12. 6:14 – see, if she'd shown off her quick wit a bit more, and if we'd seen a bit more of this side, she might have won.

    Jesus Christ what a fucking shitshow.

  13. Really? The Phillipines' president said that? My, don't he know the basic respect? How could he be a president? Such an embarrassment.

  14. Too bad the video of trump walking up the stairs to airforce 1 with toilet paper on his shoe didnt exist yet.

  15. Trump rode down the escalator instead of up so all the people he paid to attend could look down on him and make him feel a victim as he so needs to be. Trumphausen Syndrome by Proxy is a need to be a hero or victim as long as it is attention.

  16. And the thin-skinned left can't deal with it…
    I love that New York Times Reporter who is crying because somebody called him a bed bug.😄🤣 my God the sensitivity of the so-called journalists of today.. fake news can dish it out but absolutely fall flat when it comes back at them. It's a beautiful thing to see,

  17. Donald na na na promise me no promises ! Love ain’t simple don trump ! Looks like the other Donny trump is headed down the wrong path ! He’s gonna end up serving some jail time with the real Donny trump ! All kinds of Donny trumps gotta go to prison soon enough ! Owwww donals promise me no promises ! Hey yo Mimo drop that best ! Spin that record ! Donald I just want you to know my name ! Say my name don ! Access to Vladimir and Donny trump blew it ! Nice going jinx ! Your a fucking jinx ! I won’t tell em your name ! Scars are souvenirs you never lose ! Did you lose yourself out there and get to be a star ? This news is really inspiring ! Tired song keeps playing in the tired radio and I won’t tell em your name ! Aww that picture is adorable ! That deposition was fantastic ! Truthful honest and upfront about Nathan ! Obviously just another lie and roadblock ! Doing one hell of a job third party ! Donny your boyfriend sure is in the news a lot tonight ! How come Vladimir doesn’t go to any moron rallies ? That would be a fabulous thing happening ! Invite Vladimir for cake and ice cream and to enjoy one of those extremely amazing moron rallies ! The klan thang ! The sheet uniforms ! Unspeakable !

  18. I've bought many new cell phones, doesn't mean I'm a dealer. I needed to change my phone number due to hackers.

  19. 糟了,哪位被董事会罷除的老人,会不会找雷人托卡波波理論,,,呢?,一老有无子女?,而秃群正或邪難分判别出,,,怎麽辨,,,??,枉冤死鬼多,若一人出一俱,,,像募集款式一样,聚少集多,不如,,,SO。

  20. Omg she used her phones for personal stuff and it was nothing there. 2 investigations into both candidates and only the email shit was public.. Not Trump the Russian asset, so stupid.

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