Trump’s Weekend Tweet-A-Thon Covered A Lot Of Ground, From MMA To North Korea

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( APPLAUSE )
>>Stephen: YOU CAN TELL TRUMP HAS BEEN
ANXIOUS RECENTLY BECAUSE ON SUNDAY, HE FIRED OFF 105 TWEETS
AND RETWEETS. THAT’S SUCH A RICH AND IMPORTANT
RECORD FOR FUTURE HISTORIANS. NOW WE KNOW WHAT THE COMMANDER
IN CHIEF THINKS ABOUT M.M.A. FIGHTER TITO ORTIZ DEFEATING
ALBERTO RODRIGUEZ VIA REAR NAKED CHOKE HOLD. ( LAUGHTER )
IT REMINDS ME OF LINCOLN’S STIRRING WORDS, “A HOUSE DIVIDED
AGAINST ITSELF CANNOT WITHSTAND A ROUNDHOUSE KICK TO THE
TRACHEA.” ( LAUGHTER )
MM-HMM. ( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) TRUMP’S SUNDAY TWEET-A-THON
INCLUDED WORKS OF ART, LIKE THIS STUNNING PORTRAIT OF HIS HEAD
GRAFTED ONTO THE BEEFY BOD OF ROCKY BALBOA. TRUMP IS JUST LIKE ROCKY, EXCEPT
HE CAN’T CLIMB STEPS, AND HE’S FIGHTING FOR RUSSIA. ( LAUGHTER )
>>Jon: OH! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF )>>Stephen: HE ALSO WHIPPED
OUT HIS NEWEST LIE-SPLANATION ABOUT WHAT HE
MEANT DURING HIS PHONE CALL WITH ZELENSKY WHEN HE SAID, “I WOULD
LIKE YOU TO DO US A FAVOR, THOUGH.” “READ THE TRANSCRIPTS! ALSO, SEE WHERE I SAY ‘US’– OUR
COUNTRY– AS OPPOSED TO ME’– MEANING ME.” ( LAUGHTER )
THANKS FOR CLEARING THAT UP, MR. PRESIDENT. (AS TRUMP)
“MY PREFERRED PRONOUNS ARE ME, ME, ME, AND ME. BECAUSE I’M ALL ME THINK ABOUT.” ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) “I MAY NOT BE MUCH, BUT I’M ALL
I THINK ABOUT.” ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) IN THE WAKE OF SATURDAY’S NORTH
KOREAN MISSILE TEST, TRUMP ALSO TWEETED, “KIM JONG UN IS TOO
SMART AND HAS FAR TOO MUCH TO LOSE, EVERYTHING ACTUALLY, IF HE
ACTS IN A HOSTILE WAY. HE SIGNED A STRONG
DENUCLEARIZATION AGREEMENT WITH ME IN SINGAPORE. HE DOES NOT WANT TO VOID HIS
SPECIAL RELATIONSHIP WITH THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.” WHAT? HE’S CLAIMING KIM JONG UN
WOULDN’T DO SOMETHING HE’S ALREADY DONE. YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY,
“DENIAL’S NOT JUST A RIVER TRUMP COULDN’T FIND ON A MAP.” ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) REALLY? REALLY? THAT’S WHERE YOU DRAW THE LINE. REALLY?>>Jon: I LIKE THAT A LOT.>>Stephen: NORTH KOREA WASN’T
ANEWSED AT TRUMP’S TWEET. A SENIOR NORTH KOREAN OFFICIAL
CALLED TRUMP, “A HEEDLESS AND ERRATIC OLD MAN,” ADDING, “THE
TIME WHEN WE CANNOT BUT CALL HIM A ‘DOTARD’ AGAIN MAY COME.” OOOH, THEY MIGHT BREAK OUT THE
“D” WORD! ( LAUGHTER )
AND IF THAT DOESN’T WORK, THEY’LL BREAK OUT MORE ARCHAIC
INSULTS. “WE REFUSE TO NEGOTIATE WITH
THIS POLTROONISH LOITER-SACK, THIS WIFFLE-WAFFLE FUSTYLUGS,
WHO DOESN’T HAVE THE SENSE OF A NINNYHAMMER, YOU GILLY-WET-FOOT
FRIBBLE!” ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) LOOK ‘EM UP! THEY’RE ALL REAL WORDS! PREPARE YOUR CHILD FOR THE
S.A.T.S THIS YEAR! ( APPLAUSE )
MORE NEWS ABOUT TRUMP PERSONAL ATTORNEY AND SCOOBY DOO MONSTER
WHO’S SCARIER WITHOUT THE MASK RUDY GIULIANI. GIULIANI SPENT THE WEEK IN
UKRAINE. THE COLLUSION THERE IS LOVELY
THIS TIME OF YEAR. BUT NOW HE’S BACK, AND SAYS HE
NEVER WANTED THIS MISSION! IT CHOSE HIM.>>I LOOKED INTO UKRAINE
BECAUSE…>>STEPHEN: (AS RUDY)
( LAUGHTER ) “QUICK, RUDY, THINK OF
SOMETHING, BUT DON’T OBVIOUSLY LIE.” ( LAUGHTER )
>>IT WAS THROWN AT ME. PUT IN MY LAP.>>Stephen: OKAY, THAT
ACTUALLY SOUNDS TRUE. I BELIEVE IT WAS THROWN AT HIM
BECAUSE I DON’T THINK ANYONE WOULD WILLINGLY GET IN HIS LAP. ( LAUGHTER )
GIULIANI TOOK ISSUE WITH PEOPLE SAYING HE’S CORRUPT, ADDING, “I
REALLY TRY VERY HARD TO BE SUPER-ETHICAL AND ALWAYS LEGAL.” DOES HE THINK THOSE ARE LEGAL
TERMS? ( LAUGHTER )
(AS LAWYER) “YOUR HONOR, MY CLIENT PLEADS
MEGA-INNOCENT. WE HUMBLY REQUEST INFINITY
FREEDOM.” ( LAUGHTER )
WE’VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.

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