Weekend Update: Leslie Jones on Being Hacked – SNL

Weekend Update: Leslie Jones on Being Hacked – SNL

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>>THE ONGOING RELEASE OF HACKED
E-MAILS BY WIKILEAKS HAS MADE CYBER SECURITY A PROMINENT ISSUE
IN THIS ELECTION. HERE TO COMMENT ON THIS IS OUR
OWN LESLIE JONES. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>THANK YOU, COLIN. GREAT TO BE HERE.
>>IT IS GREAT TO HAVE YOU, LESLIE.
SO WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT ALL THESE E-MAIL HACKS?
>>WELL, COLIN, I WAS RECENTLY HACKED MYSELF.
>>REALLY? I DIDN’T KNOW THAT.
>>YEAH. YOU KNOW.
ALL THEY DID WAS RELEASE SOME NUDE PICS OF ME.
WHICH IS NOTHING, BECAUSE I DON’T KNOW IF Y’ALL KNOW THIS,
BUT I AIN’T SHY. [ LAUGHTER ]
>>YEAH, YEAH, I ACTUALLY NOTICED THAT, YEAH.
>>OF COURSE YOU NOTICED, HONEY BUNCHES OF JOST.
[ LAUGHTER ] I AM VERY COMFORTABLE WITH WHO I
AM. I AM AN OPEN BOOK.
I KEEP MY PORN IN A FOLDER LABELED, “PORN.”
[ LAUGHTER ] IF YOU WANT TO SEE LESLIE JONES
NAKED, JUST ASK. [ LAUGHTER ]
[ LAUGHTER ] JUST ASK!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] WHAT I’M TRYING TO SAY IS, IF
YOU WANT TO HURT ANYBODY THESE DAYS YOU’RE GOING TO HAVE TO DO
WAY MORE THAN LEAK THEIR NEWS OR CALL THEM NAMES.
YOU CAN’T EMBARRASS ME MORE THAN I HAVE EMBARRASSED MYSELF.
I KNOW ALL THE DETAILS ‘CAUSE I WAS THERE.
I WAS THERE IN THE THIRD GRADE WHEN I TOLD THIS BOY JOHNNY I
LIKED HIM AND HE HIT ME IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD WITH A ROCK.
[ LAUGHTER ] I WAS THERE WHEN I HAD A FAKE
WEDDING WITH EL DeBARGE IN MY BEDROOM.
[ LAUGHTER ] I WAS THERE WHEN PRINCE WAS
WALKING TOWARDS ME SMILING ALL HAPPY TO SEE ME, UNTIL HE
REALIZED I WAS NOT CHRIS ROCK. [ LAUGHTER ]
>>WAIT, HOLD ON. PRINCE THOUGHT YOU WERE
CHRIS ROCK?>>YEAH, MAN, IN THE DARK WE
LOOK ALIKE. HIGH-TOP FADE, TEETH.
[ LAUGHTER ] ANYWAY, COLIN.
DO YOU THINK SOME WORDS ON THE INTERNET CAN HURT ME?
I ONCE HAD A CRAZY BITCH TRY TO BEAT ME WITH A SHOVEL AT THE BUS
STOP BECAUSE I TOOK HER PLACE ON THE BENCH.
[ LAUGHTER ] THEY SWINGING SHOVELS!
[ APPLAUSE ] IF I WAS GOOD AT COMPUTERS I
WOULDN’T WASTE IT TROLLING PEOPLE, I WOULD DO SOMETHING
USEFUL. LIKE RENEW MY DRIVER’S LICENSE
FROM HOME. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
I WOULD HACK INTO TINDER AND DELETE ALL THE OTHER GIRLS’
PROFILES, SO NO MATTER WHERE YOU SWIPE, YOU GET ME.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] YOU IN MISSOURI?
YOU’RE GOING TO GET ME. [ LAUGHTER ]
YOU IN THE MIDDLE OF THE OCEAN? YOU GON’ GET ME!
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] MATTER OF FACT, IF I WAS THAT
GOOD AT COMPUTERS I WOULD BUILD A MAN.
A PERFECT MASCULINE ROBOT MAN. OKAY?
FORGET ABOUT “WEST WORLD,” I’M TALKING ABOUT LESLIE WORLD.
FULL OF PERFECT ROBOTS WITH PERFECT PENISES.
>>PERFECT PENISES?>>YEAH, LIKE YOU BUT BIGGER.
[ LAUGHTER ]>>THAT WAS THE MIDDLE OF THE
OCEAN. YOU SEEM UNFAZED BY THESE ONLINE
TROLLS.>>I’VE SPENT DECADES GETTING
ROASTED BY COMEDIANS. BLACK COMEDIANS AT THAT, OKAY.
THE CRACKHEAD FROM THE MOVIE “FRIDAY” HAS A WHOLE HOUR ON MY
FEET. [ LAUGHTER ]
SO TRUST ME. AT A CERTAIN POINT YOU GOT TO
STOP BEING EMBARRASSED AND JUST START BEING YOU.
AND I HAVE BEEN ME FOR 49 YEARS. BECAUSE THE ONLY PERSON WHO CAN
HACK ME IS ME. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
OKAY? AND MY FIREWALL IS A CRAZY-ASS
BITCH WITH A SHOVEL.>>LESLIE JONES, EVERYONE!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

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100 Comments

  1. I would like to be ur best friend !!!! Girl u r straight out of this world !!!! πŸ’˜ ya on SNL !!!! πŸ˜ƒ !!!!!!!!! Soooo funny !!!!! Lmfao !!!!!! πŸ˜… !!!

  2. So, some jerk who I dusted off hacked my phone 2 days ago, and threatened to post my nudes. This video was the FIRST thing i thought of, so I sent it to him. Havent heard from him since. Thanks Les.

  3. 1:17 you cant embarrass me more then I have embarrassed myself. And I know all the details… cause I was there. Lol

  4. Imagine two diseased caterpillars crawling on a cow patty, there, saved you from googling her nudes. Her titties have weird pimple nipples on saggy brown floppy tits. Gah, she is totally unappealing naked. The rule is 95% of people you see on a nude beach are not people you ever want to see naked.

  5. A guy in middle school beat me with a whiffleball bat because my ball rolled into his court and i kinda ruined his practice rally to retrieve it but it wasn't intentional and it was barely even practice during PE class in like 7th period.

    But I'm the crazy one….

  6. Got to say, you guys are the best.πŸ˜‚ On the WORST day, when nothing else can make me smile, SNL will. Thank God for you beloved folks .πŸ˜πŸ˜‚πŸ˜€πŸ‘πŸ‘πŸ‘πŸ‘

  7. leslie I would love for you to remix of the recent trump speech about transparency….there were six mentions of a vast contrast, resist, let go, no more investigations…

  8. who is Leslie Jones ???….does anyone still watch snl anymore?..this show has gotten so stupid and pathetic, why hasn't it been canceled a long time ago

  9. when are they gonna cancel this show…it's not funny anymore, it's gotten stupid…with these wanna be,never heard of actors, who think there comedians

  10. Amen to that sister just being yourself is awesome Amen πŸ˜ŽπŸ˜ŽπŸ˜ŽπŸ˜ŽπŸ˜ŽπŸ˜‡πŸ˜‡πŸ˜‡πŸ˜‡

  11. Well if she'd just had a penis she could have been a contender. Of size, of colour, ummhh? what are women allowed to be called these days, because I think saying someone is female is a hate crime against women born with penises, and especially women not just born with penises, because while some will undergo gender re-assignment, others demand the right to be fully actualised women who want to keep their penises. I guess there is a spectrum of femaleness I need to learn, I guess I could ask a Democratic Presidential Candidate. I mean if they declare that women without wombs must have access to abortions, they sure as hell know more than I do. Maybe they implant a test tube which has a little sign, "In Case Of Emergency, BREAK GLASS!"
    Hell I don't know. But with all the victim points she could already redeem and now she gets double bonus points for Hate Crime Victim, heck, she could go all the way. Victim Olympics here I come.

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